Confessions of a Perfectly Imperfect Jasmine Dillard.

CAUTION: This post is LONG. I recommend to grab a seat and coffee before you begin. Maybe a few tissues too.

About two years or so ago, I went out to eat with a friend from school after church for the first time, and as we sat down, all she could say was "I can not believe I am actually having lunch with Jasmine Dillard. I never would have guessed." Completely thrown off at the comment and her in awe of me, I smiled back in a tickled confusion and quickly changed the conversation.   

So a week ago, I was sitting at the kitchen table of one of my friend's house for the first time. As we sat down planning for some events for Aspire 31 and enjoying eachother's company, all of a sudden, she stopped and said "You know what, I can not believe you are sitting in my house. I never would have thought that we would ever be doing this together." For a moment, I was thrown off by what she said and then smiled back with a little tickle and said "Aww, why do say that girl?" and she replied "Oh I dont know. I just used to see you at church all the time and think that you're so pretty and perfect and stuff. I never would have thought we would really become close like we are now." I immediately replied back "Perfect? HAHAH, girl you must have me mixed up with someone else. If you only knew what I go through."

I am so blown away at how other people "think" I have it all together while I am sitting here looking at the same Jasmine in the mirror, not exactly a fan my own self.

Can it be honest hour real quick?
I mean, can I really just be totally real with you all?
I need to vent. I need to confess. But most of all I need to be healed.  I know you may be thrown off a little bit, or prayerfully, you're glued to my words because our hearts just locked. Perhaps you may just be in the same exact situation that I am & you are looking for at least ONE person to relate with. Maybe your heart will be at ease just a bit.

Well sister, I can be that one person and hopefully you can be mine. Let me reassure you that you are NOT alone. Please join in with me as I take off the mask for once and just give you The Jasmine that I have to go home to and deal with on a daily basis when no one else is around. The Jasmine that I have to fight with each day. The Jasmine that I struggle with constantly. The Jasmine that I sometimes do not like.

See sister, just because you can not see it does not mean that it does not exist. No matter how much we give ourselves to someone, no one really knows who we really are and what we deal with under the mask. No I am not fake what so ever or living a double life (anymore), I just choose what I allow others to see of me. You know, "the good parts" the parts in my life that are "show worthy" while I sweep the messy parts in my purse and hide it in the closet for no one to find. Once I find a way to fix these issues, then I'll let the world see them. But until then, they'll be locked away and hidden.

Well girl, let me tell you what that junk filled purse really is: YOUR HEART. The pockets in tha purse are the DEPTHS of it. And all that mess you are throwing, shoving, and squishing in there are INSECURITIES, IMPERFECTIONS, HURT, SHAME, but most of all that UGLY, UGLY SIN that you are afraid to let anyone know or even more.. confess to it. I have it. You have it. We have it. & No matter how much we want to admit to it, it IS there and it is starting to weigh SO heavy on us.

& I AM TIRED OF IT! I am SO sick and tired of that darn bag getting in the way of who I am. So today, RIGHT NOW, I am going to be the first one to open up my secret closet, lug that bag out, and I'm going to do something that I have been so afraid of doing for so long. I'm opening up that bag and  I am going to take all of that junk out and deal with it. I'm going to allow Christ's light to shine upon it and get rid of it ONCE AND FOR ALL. & Hopefully, by the time this blog is over, you will be encouraged to join in with me and do the same sister.
 
So I want you all to know that as I sit here typing this to you, I am without makeup, no jewelry, fancy clothes, and definitely no judgmental attitude. I am behind the scene giving you the Jasmine without all the get up. My bible is open, my worship music is playing, my journal is filled with tears and confessions, and I am ready to dig into the depths of my heart to confess the struggles that I am dealing with. God has reveled to me that it is this bag full of mess that is causing me to be held at a standstill. And until I recognize and acknowledge these things and give them all to Him, I will not move to the next level that He is trying to take me. I must realize that I am NOT perfect. I have issues and I can not bypass them. I have to allow Christ's light shine on these oh so dark places and call them out! Confess that they are there, they are wrong, and I NEED help. I need JESUS to take the wheel.

Here is the flesh of Jasmine that is at constant battle with the Holy Spirit. The Jasmine that I can NOT stand. The Jasmine that I am ashamed of. & The Jasmine that has been HOLDING me in bondage for so many years. The Jasmine that I have tell "SHUT UP AND SUBMIT TO THE LORD" on a regular. & Most of all, the JASMINE that I have to DENY and DIE TO in order for me to effectively pick up my cross and continue to walk my journey in CHRIST.

1. I am prideful. - Even though I do not intentionally mean to, self gets in the way of so many things in my life. Deep down, I feel that I deserve to have the stuff I have. I deserve to have God's favor. & It's "my" actions that have allowed me to achieve so many things that I have. This pride DISGUSTS me on a regular. I hate it so much.

2. I am judgmental. - Deep down, I judge the actions of others. Again, not intentionally, but it just happens. I try to call out the bad in others just to justify my own wrong doings. I tend to be "pointing the finger" Way, Way too much. Instead of loving them unconditionally. Instead of getting the speck out of my own eye first, I tend to be the one to help fix the eye of the other person.

3. I am jealous. - This is so sad, but sometimes, if it is not me in control, I do not want it to be someone else. I guess being so used to being the "successful girl" I kind of grown to thinking that I should be the one who is always being recognized. & If it is someone else, I'm always trying to question why? I will sometimes go out of my way to justify all the wrong in someone in order to help me deal with my insecurities. I HATE this aspect to. UGH :-(

4. I am not excellent in all areas. - Behind the scenes, I'm horrible with procrastination. I tend to wait to the last minute to get EVERYTHING done. Even my ministry, I have not prepared it the way I know I need to. I've been working on all of this though.

5. I lust. - Now, this isn't a sexual kind of lust anymore. Thankfully, God delivered me from that!! But now it's like a "husband lust." Even though I am very happy with being single, I still have been on a marriage frenzy lately. Like, I keep wondering who my husband will be and its gotten so bad that it seems like every guy I see, I automatically think "Oh is he it?" and then try to picture ourselves together. It's crazy. & even worse, if the guy doesn't notice me...I take it personal. I just want to be able to look at a guy and see or expect nothing else more from it. I want to be free from looking at every guy I see until God presents me with the ONE that way I know he is from God and God alone. I think it is safe to say that I want to be numb from guys for a while so I am able to fully focus on GOD.

6. I gossip. - Now, I do NOT spread lies about people. That is one thing that I do NOT do and never had the heart to do so. However, I just would find myself engaging in conversations complaining about what someone else is doing and how wrong I think they are for doing so. I want to be able to engage in conversations that are uplifting and encouraging, PURE, and Christ like. I want to be able to control my tongue and the things that I say.

7. I am lazy. - This is more of a spiritual laziness. I tend to not put my ALL into my relationship with God as far as spending time with Him, really seeking Him, and praying steadfastly.

8. I am selfish. - Sometimes, I just rather do things for myself and by myself. Just because I do not trust people and more so..I do not trust people to help me. Therefore, I tend to make things about what I want, what I need, and what will best help me. I've really been convicted with this as I lead my ministry. Its been a real struggle for me to share my thoughts and my ideas for someone else to carry out. I have to learn how to be helped and assisted. I can NOT do everything alone. I must learn how to depend on others.

9. I am hateful. - Well, hateful is such a strong word. I do not hate anyone. But, there are some people that bother me and irritate the mess out of me. So I'm working on not being mean on the inside towards them or even avoiding them.

10. I doubt and question God. - This is personal. There are so many times I wished that I wasn't so smart so I could simply stop trying to figure God out. I guess being someone who has the ability to think things out..my mind tends to overthink ALOT. So there have been many times the Devil would play with my mind and try to question who God is and figure His existence out. Simply put, I had to learn to submit my mind to The Lord and allow Him to strengthen my faith and have it outweigh my knowledge.

11. I do not pray like I should. - Prayer is so vital. And I've been trying to get by with just surface based prayers. I must pray NOW like never before. And not only praying for myself but others. I'm always somewhere complaining to God but I neglect to pray for those in need. SAD! I can not let a day go by without communing with God. I value prayer and I want to learn how to develop a deep and fervent prayer life with God.

12. I do not submit and listen to God like I should. - Geez. If I could only number the many times God has told me to do something and I OPENLY disobeyed. I'm learning to come to God FIRST and submit my WHOLE self to Him and allow HIS plan to override mine. But most importantly, I'm learning how to LISTEN for His voice. I used to pray without listening and it overwhelmed me so, so, so much.

13. Instead of asking God for direction, I often times make a decision for myself and then ask for God's advice afterwards.- Yeah, so many times this has happened. Whenever I would ask my parents for advice about a situation the number one answer I did not want to hear was "Pray and ask God" I guess because I never knew how to discern God's voice. So I obviously believed He did not want to talk to me or was allowing me the opportunity to make the decision based on what I THOUGHT was right or what I WANTED to do. Yeah, so very ignorant.  I know.

Well, I believed I reached the bottom of my purse and now all of this is out on the table being examined by The Lord. Now I truly believe that God is taking me by the hand and walking me through each and every one of these one by one and TEACHING me how to overcome these areas. God is letting me and you know that He is ABLE to deliver us from these messy situations and He desperately wants us to get rid of these areas so we are able to walk into the plan He has written for each and everyone of us from the very beginning of time--WITH NOT RESTRAINTS! These things must be dealt with sis, they must be exposed, confessed, and forgiven in order for them to be gone FOREVER. If not, you will eventually run out of room in that little bag and everything will start to spill over and run into the "good parts" that we allow people to see. Sin can not be hidden forever. Sin is meant to be confessed and nailed to the cross for JESUS's blood to cover. & the beautiful thing about the cross is that is STILL works. His salvation is still available. His forgiveness is still REAL. and His GRACE & MERCY is still a gift given to us NEW each and every day. However, it is all up to you to decide when you are finally going to open up that closet, lug out that bag, and dig up any and everything that has been holding your true freedom in Christ hostage for so long!

I'm going to end this post with a snippet of a journal entry I wrote this morning as I was talking and worshiping God for delivering me from these issues! See, I started writing this post last night as God and I were digging up my mess and I never felt SO Free afterwards. I was able to sleep in PEACE and I was able to wake up this morning SO JOYFUL and THANKFUL because I felt the heaviest load lifted off of me. So I was in worship mode the whole morning and ended up writing a four page prayer to God:

"...& finally I can nail all of these things to the cross. His blood covers them all! Lord thank you for not giving up on me! Lord thank you for keeping me. I am so humbled right now because I have been so selfish, critical, judgmental, prideful, everything! Bounded for years Lord. Deeply scared and bruised. Doubting you and not believing and trusting in you completely. Judging people. Talking about people. Jealous. & not committing myself to you. I had many wrong motives behind many things that I did. But Lord, you searched my heart and you found YOU within it. You found the little girl who you originally created before sin had its way. You saw my dreams and desires. You saw my good motives. You saw my insecurities. You saw your beautiful creation, purpose, and plan buried deep under all of my mess. You saw who I really was and you saved your little girl who desperately needed a savior to help her come back alive. You saw greatness and yo saw a masterpiece. You aw my life and how much glory it could bring to you your name. You gave me your son--You gave me KING JESUS! and he carried me in his arms back to you. He covered me in His Love, mercy, and grace. He brought me back to my daddy and He promised to always keep me protected. & here I am today, completely open to you, wanting and desiring your help and your love to overwhelm me.." 

Sister, I love you and I am praying that you will join in me and take back everything the enemy stole from you! You deserve it! I deserve it! We deserve it! Never be afraid to deal with the REAL you, no matter how ugly, screwed up, messed up you are on the inside. JESUS is the ANSWER! Now go forth, clean out that purse and go embrace the life God has intended for you to live! Be free.
             
               Here's a picture of an imperfect girl who has been saved by the love of a perfect God.

extra hugs & love for you today,